How Not To Ask Someone Out
by alternativename
Summary: The best guide in Hogwarts on how not to ask someone out - if only Draco had read it beforehand. Fluff.


**Disclaimer:** The characters in this story are not mine, Rowling deserves the credit & the money.

**Rating:** Fluff to be honest, a bit of swearing & wanking though (;

**Author's Notes: **Written for protegototalem after she wrote me a drabble (on tumblr) from me (tumblr: mrstomriddle) I giggled to myself all the way through this ^^.

**Beta: **None, I'm too tired to even proof read it. I'll change it tomorrow if it's awful /laughs.

How Not To Ask Someone Out On A Date.

Don't insult your date's best friends.

Draco dragged his feet a little as he wandered towards the golden trio, they all looked like a picture of perfect happiness – smug grins all over their faces. It made him a little sick, bloody Gryffindors . It was as if there wasn't a mad man on the loose trying to kill Potter. The blood traitor Weasley laughed & play punched Harry in the arm, the boy mockingly rubbing it with a grin, it was all too grotesque and warming.. Draco didn't really know if he wanted to destroy it or join in...

He took a breath and walked into their eye sight, reciting what he promised himself he'd say to Harry as soon as the boy looked at him "What do you want, Ferret?" Weasley spat at him.

"Nothing from you or you mudblood girlfriend, thank you very much" he rebuked, scowling at the speckled prat before shifting his gaze to Harry. The green eyed boy looked furious, ugly red blotches appearing on his cheeks – which Draco couldn't help but wonder if that's what Harry would look like when they...

"Piss off won't you Malfoy!" Harry shouted, getting to his feet.

"Actually, I came to have a word with you" Draco answered, instantly feeling that insulting the Weasel and his girl was a bad idea.

"Like I'd subject myself to anything you'd like to say, 'thank you very much'" he mimicked Draco in a bitter voice, before storming off. Weasley gave him a glare before following, Granger with her head held high as if she was above even looking at him.

Great.. That hadn't gone well.

Don't Approach Them When They're Busy Concentrating On Something Else.

After the incident with the it's-like-they-think-the-sun-shines-out-their-arses trio, Draco decided that it'd be better to speak to Harry on his own – and after a small period of cooling down. They always argued though, so Potter was probably used to it. It was there constant bickering and in built rivalry that had shown Draco that maybe there was another reason Harry Potter got so under his skin.. And from there a million night time fantasies arrived where Draco managed to get under Harry clothes more than anything. A few months of private dreaming, wanking & the self admonishing for even considering Potter of all people, Draco got over it & decided that if anyone was good enough for someone like him – it might as well be the wizard saviour that had everyone drooling over. It was just disgusting how they behaved around him, so with Draco there – he could tell all of Harry's fans to piss off.

Unfortunately, at the moment, all Harry wanted to do was tell Draco to piss off... Not a very promising start.

Finding Harry alone however, wasn't a very easy task. He seemed to constantly have the Weasel of the know-it-all with him. It was bizarre, watching him being watched by half the school & yet all he did was hang out with two social misfits in a dastardly motley crew of social mutiny. The best idea yet that he'd had, was to approach Harry during a Quidditch match. It was renowned that seekers had to do a lot of waiting around while the snitch decided it wasn't ready to end the match, so that's when he would have to grab his chance.

Attempting to strike conversation with someone 100 meters above the ground was a lot more difficult than you'd think – a few insults had never been difficult, but drifting close enough to someone to attempt an intimate conversation, was notoriously difficult. The first time Draco had tried he'd more or less crashed straight into the brazen boy. A few swears later, he'd done a u-turn and hovered a few yards away.

"If you're thinking about playing dirty Malfoy, you know I'd happily give you a run for you money" Potter growled. Draco almost dropped his jaw, certain that the fellow seeker's comment was as a blatant innuendo to Harry as he found it. A few empty seconds later & the blonde boy found himself & tried to start a conversation.

"I've got something else on my mind actually Potter – HEY.. HARRY!" He yelled, as Harry blasted off away from him, diving near the Slytherin goal posts & catching the snitch. This abruptly end the game & Draco's chance to talk to him.

Don't Expose Yourself To Them, Hoping They'll Be Over Come With Lust & Want You.

So Draco was a little drunk, only a little – if he stole too much of Snape's fire whiskey then he'd have to face his god father's wrath for abusing his access to Snape's chambers. He was a little melancholy though, and in all great books the handsome & charming male protagonist got drunk when his love interest was yet to realise his intentions. When the idea dawned on him it sounded perfect, the lead role always did something really outlandish & bagged the girl – or in this case, boy.

It was still early evening, most people would be in the great hall but Draco didn't think he'd risk getting that close to so many teachers 'See!' he thought to himself 'I've still got my wits about me, this is obviously a very very cunning plan!' Stumbling off towards where he thought the Gryffindor common room was, Draco waited in an alcove for Harry to come back from lunch. It seemed to be taking an awful long time – leaving Draco little else to do but drink more whiskey..

An incredibly long time later (not that the inebriated Slytherin still retained any ability to tell time) Potter began to walk by, obviously intent to head to his dorms – but stopping off to the 7th floor toilets. Perfect! This was obviously supposed to be Draco's chance!

Following the crimson boy in, Draco was relieved to see that there were no urinals in these toilets – causing Potter to walk into a cubical. Again, perfect setting this gave Draco the chance to just strip off – instead of having to do that awkward introductionary part they could never pass. Stumbling slightly he made himself across the long tiled room, leaning heavily on the cold rectangular radiator that jutted from the wall, Draco began to remove his shoes & socks. The floor was frightfully cold and part of Draco worried about when the last time they'd been cleaned, but he battled on – determined to be unclothed by the time Harry reappeared. It was all going fine as he removed his tie & pulled his snug jumper from his shirt... But as he began unbuttoning his shirt he hit a problem. His vision had become incredibly blurred & he noticed he was swaying slightly.

"fucking shirt... fucking cold room & moving little fucking buttons" he said, although what actually came out was some small mumblings. Then things got a little worst.

"Oooooo, what's a little Slytherin like you doing up here in the big castle" came a sickly voice. The intoxicated glanced up & scowled at the teenage formed ghost.

"Nothing!" He exclaimed, still trying to undo his shirt and ripping all the buttons off in the process.

"OOoooo, you're much more exciting. None of the Gryffindor boys come here & give me such a show!" She squealed excitedly, swooping lower in the air – as if to touch Draco. If he'd been sober, he would have applied his Slytherin wit... Or perhaps just some common sense, that Myrtle couldn't really touch him. However, what he actually did was grab his jumped & began swotting it at the ghost, swearing copiously at her giggling figure as she dived around.

It was at that moment that Harry Potter exited his cubical & saw him, Draco still a little drunk didn't quite notice & stumbled some more at his own vigorous swatting action – before meeting a pair of bright green eyes.

"Poht-tah!" He shouted, letting go of his swinging jumper so it jetted off to land in a damp sink.

"Too early!" He tried to reprimand, concerned about the fact he was indeed still wearing his trousers & not giving off the best effect.

"Draco.. Draco, are you drunk?" Harry asked curiously.

"Malfoys don't get drunk! The ah-clam-ah-tyzzee to their situation" he rebuked.

"What situation is that? We're in the school toilet!" Draco just shook his head, as if pitying Harry for not understanding his higher level of thinking.. Harry almost felt silly, as if he really didn't know what was going on – but Draco's obvious drunkardness proved Harry was obviously in the right.. He hoped.

The pale Slytherin suddenly didn't feel too great, he was certain that if it was possible, at this moment in time he'd look particularly ghostly – which was rather off putting, as he was staring at a ghost that minute & she didn't look very endearing. At that thought he fell back slightly, only saving himself by grabbing onto the ugly radiator. His two companions moved forward at this.

"See!" He yelled, far more loudly than the occasion truly needed, "Everyone wants to touch me now"

Myrtle giggled at this, batting her eyelashes.

"Malfoy.. Did you come here to chat up a ghost?"

"No! How stupid are you Potter! Do you really not see what's so plainly happening?"

Harry looked around a moment, first at Draco's dishevelled face, then at the buttons sprayed across the floor, followed by the now soggy jumped. He glanced nervously at Myrtle & then Draco's very obvious state of undress. No, he really didn't understand what was going on here.

"Can you not, you know.. Make it a little clearer? Should I got get a teacher?" It was harder to be cruel to Draco when he was swaying..

"Ughed! Yes Potter, I'll make it far more CLEAR!" and at that, he shoved down his trousers & boxers – standing there pretty pleased with himself.

Harry's eyes jumped out of his skull, the was Malfoy.. Naked, his cock proudly falling by his leg – settled in dark blonde hairs that drifted up his stomach.. Oh Dear Merlin! The abashed Gryffindor was about to say something, anything, but then Draco felt incredibly nauseous.. Actually, he felt more nauseous than he'd ever remembered being.. And then he had to turn round to grasp the nearest sink and began to vomit.

"OH!" Harry exclaimed, uncertain on whether this was an improvement or not.. No, it obviously wasn't, although it at least it relinquished him from the task of remarking on Malfoys nakedness. He just stood and watched as Draco began to retch into the sink. Each time the slighter boy took a breath, his pale body shook.. All the way down to his very obvious arse. RIGHT! That was it, Harry mentally exclaimed – chucking his own robe over Draco's figure and turning to Myrtle.

"Um, find a teacher, yeah? He looks like he could do with some help" before sprinting out the room.

As Draco through up the contents of his stomach, he wondered why even when feeling this fucking awful.. He could appreciate the smell of Harry's cloak around him. This hadn't gone very well..

Never Let Your Friends Ask Your Date Out For You.

If Draco was a muggle, he'd be aware of the five stages of grief. As he wasn't, didn't he had no clue that there was a reason he was currently waking up in the morning feeling different. A hangover cure later & the next morning he felt fine – nothing had happened the day before, he was a Malfoy! Nothing can shame or falter a Malfoy. He just went about his day normally, acting particularly blazé if anyone mentioned the day previous. The next day was quite different, Draco was furious. Furious at everyone, bar himself of course, Draco was angry at Potter – just for existing mostly; furious at Snape – for being so careless with his alcohol; furious at his father – for giving him the wrong books to read when he was young.. Furious!

The next day Draco felt slightly like he'd adopted a form of psychosis.. Namely because he'd began talking to himself and particularly, trying to trade off the memory for others. "I'll actually let my mother take me out shopping, there.. That's good enough to remove it.." "I have money, there must be something I can by to take it all back" "Maybe if I curse Potter, I can remove HIS memory!"

Draco didn't really have a next day, he stayed in bed. It was awful, all of it. Fucking awful. Harry was never going to like, especially after what happened and he might as well just stay in bed for the rest of his life. There no point to it now anyway...

The fifth day and Draco felt pretty much normal – it'd been incredibly embarrassing, and probably hadn't aided him in bagging Potter, but he was a Malfoy. Everyone knew that Malfoys could do whatever they want and get away with it, furthermore – now he even had Harry's cloak! Brilliant to help, erm... Late night activities...

He did still however feel a little flushed when near Potter, had the boy really gotten to see his cock? Hopefully it was looking impressive, Draco had never considered what effects drinking may have on his manhood.

His best idea had been to send a note, maybe a small apology and request for them to talk about what happened... Possibly alone.. He could bring a picnic if Harry would like. Draco frowned a little at his note, wasn't that a bit.. Un-Slytherin. Merlin, he didn't want to sound like a Hufflepuff.. And what if one of Potters little friends read it! Ughed, that'd be awful. After a few moments, he cast an illusion charm on it and wrote a separate message for anyone else to see "Granger is a hore" he scrawled with a grin. Draco didn't really feel up to walking over to them himself, he'd probably balk as soon as he saw Potter – and so gave it to Pansy instead. There, finally!

A few hours later he was at the rough end of a punch from Weasley.

"Just bugger off Malfoy!" He shouted with a glare and stalked away, well.. That wasn't very promising. Actually, it hurt – and he didn't mean the punch. He meant the fact that Harry despised the idea of spending time with him so much he'd send WEASLEY of all people to say he wasn't interested. Weirdly, Draco felt a little let down. Like Harry wasn't the person Draco had expected him to be.

"Pansy" He drawled, although, his heart wasn't really in it. "What was Harry's face like when you gave him the note?"

"Furious!" she giggled.

"Really?"

"Yeah, like he was going to blow up, and then the ginger snatched it off him and started shouting"

"Did Harry agree with him?"

"What Weasley? Oh yeah, he said he was going to murder you!" She was laughing thoroughly now "You're lucky actually, you almost spoiled it"

"MMmmmh?" He said glumly, no longer interested in her.

"You spelt it wrong, it's w-h-o-r-e, you missed off the W"

"Well, Weasley still got it, didn't he"

"Only because I rewrote it for you"

"WHAT!"

"I rewrote it, so you wouldn't look silly Draco"

Oh bugger, if she rewrote it; that meant Harry had never got his message.

How to actually get the attention of someone you like.

Draco really was miserable now, the Slytherins were angry with him because of how horrid he'd been to pansy and Harry seemed to march off in the opposite direction every time he saw him. Nothing was going right. He'd say that Potter wasn't worth the trouble, but now he'd given up – he felt like there wasn't much else to do with himself. Hating and obsessing Potter had taken up most of his life – now he felt a little empty.

It was night time, but Draco was restless. He felt stupid now fumbling beneath the sheets holding Harry's robe.. It just reminded him how it wouldn't work out. Instead he took a walk to the owlery, the cooing of the birds would relax him hopefully. Sitting on one of the benches of the ground floor, he put his head in his hands – why couldn't he like Pansy.. Or if not a girl, someone like Blaise or Nott. Any would be better than Potter, some other bloody Gryffindor would be better – not Weasley though.

"Weasley is vile" he muttered.

"Do you just constantly insult my friends, hoping I'll over hear it" Came a voice from the doorway. Draco's eyes shot up – of course he'd be here.

"Not tonight Potter" He sighed, he hated to sound dejected -but he was quite tired now, physically and emotionally.

"What's been up with you Malfoy? You don't normally hound us much"

"It's, apparently, beyond your comprehension Potter"

"There is something different then"

"Obviously"

"Is it..." Harry chewed a little over his words, so much so that Draco looked up inquiringly.

'Maybe he's worked it out!' Draco mentally exclaimed.

"Is it that you fancy Hermione?"

"Hermione.."

"Yeah.. You do don't you.."

"Why on earth, would you ever come to that conclusion.." Draco was almost in awe of the stupidity emanating from the boy in front of him.

"Well, you've been calling her names a lot more often.. You wrote her that stupid note... And you were in the toilets near the common room, getting ... Er... Changed. I thought it might be for her"

"You're an idiot Potter, not I don't like the mud- Oh fucking hell, Granger!"

"Oh..."

It was silent for a few moments, as Draco wanted to kill himself and Harry thought over what was happening.

"Is it Ron then?"

"Ronald Weasley!"

"Well, you've been winding him up as well, I just thought-"

"Where on earth are these thoughts coming from! Obviously not your head, otherwise your brain would forget how to tell your lungs to breath every time you opened that foolish mouth of yours"

"He wouldn't mind you know, but I think you're not really his type!"

"Not HIS type, he's not my bloody type!"

"So who do you like, you said something was different – have gotten this all wrong"

"I wouldn't say all, but what you're missing you're doing spectacularly!"

"Oh.. Then why were you in those toilets then?"

Draco sighed, this was ridiculous. The game had to end soon, or Draco really would kill himself.

"Who was I getting 'changed' as you so eloquently put it, in front of?"

"Oh merlin! You DO have a thing for Myrtle!"

Draco reached over for the first object he could see and chucked it at Harry's head – unfortunately, it turned out to be a small sleeping out, which didn't appreciate being grabbed or thrown and began to attack Draco.

"I can't take this anymore" the blonde boy sighed, Harry was trying to hide his laughter – rather badly.

"Oh shut up!"

Harry tried to, and after a while they lulled to silence – not before the tall Gryffindor moved to sit beside Draco. 'Perfect, he finally wants to hang out with me after he thinks I have a transparency fetish' This really wasn't what he needed.

"If it was Ron, which I know you tried to say it wasn't – but if it was... He's alright you know, about the whole gay stuff. I should know... But, he won't say yes. He's in love with Hermione – not that either of them would admit it. But, you should just say to him. In person, without insults or getting your friends to wind him up... Maybe try to do it sober, as well – and although he might not say yes, you might get a friendship out of it" Harry smiled softly.

Draco nodded, he was quite tired now.

"Ok.. I'll do that"

"Good!"

"Right.. Harry.."

"Yes?"

"Will you go on a date with me sometime? Maybe a picnic, if that's not too Hufflepuff-like for you"

"Oh.. Yes, yes I would"

"That's good"

"Yeah, yeah it is"

A.N. I have to say, this has been pretty fun. I didn't even want to put smut in it.

I might to a sequel, where things get a little hotter under the collar – but that's this for now.


End file.
